Sometimes he was such a BOY.

February 10, 2013

"For the last few days my head has been clear as ever and my heart beating me to sleep.  That demonstrating thud that reminds me that I'm full of love, not hate that once flooded veins.  I thank God for this as well as each breath that vacates my lungs.  The crisp transformation of oxygen to vein to aortic tendency, God's creative release.

I hope you've found peace amongst chaotic times.  These days have proven fortunate, revealing thoughts I used to ask God for as a kid.  When I was 9, I recall praying to Him every night for life to make sense.  I was curious and wildly infatuated with the consistency of an answer, rather than asking the right question.  As of lately, I've been so tied up with questions instead of allowing God to answer.

Humility has brought me to my knees...and I love every bit of it.  I love every bit of God.  I love every bit of you.  And luckily, today, I'm not playing for keeps.  Each second I pray in hopes to fully turn over my shortcomings so I can be a device God uses to do His work.  I hope He includes you in my journey.  I love you. R. Gaiser III"

- letter from Richard, September 21st, 2012

I love that Richard used to thank ME for my invigorating spirit, as he commended me for my passion to gain the most of life.  As I reread this letter, it is so apparent how much he desired to obtain a full and meaningful life.  This was always his passion, too.  He just had more obstacles thrown in his way.  And although he did lead a very short life, he certainly did not lead a boring one.  Even the way he left us was not boring.  After all...Richard never did anything half-ass.

I used to love working through issues and misunderstandings with Rich.  I know this sounds absurd because who enjoys sifting through problems?  I never had.  But then God brought me this boy that was willing to sit down with me, hear my point of view, explain his, demonstrate different perspectives and come to either a conclusion, or to a decision to agree to disagree.  I had always been scared of confrontation in relationships, terrified to make my boyfriend mad and that if I did, he would walk away.  Extremely healthy, I know.  But with Richard I found someone that would communicate with me, that would challenge me and that would help me grow.

At first I questioned if the fact that we were so different would work for us.  Did opposites really attract?  Sometimes he was just such a BOY.  His sense of humor and his conversations.  And I can be such a GIRL.  Full of emotion and the desire to watch Meg Ryan movies until I am blue in the face.  I worked on softening him as he worked on toughening me.  We both had constant struggles that we needed to work on.  But how cool it was when we were trying to hold one another accountable.  I would try and steer him from using profane language (as I tried, and continue to try, to steer myself away from it as well) and he would call me out for being gossipy.  I'll never forget when he told me he was disappointed in me when I spoke harshly of an acquaintance's relationship.  "I just don't think we have any room to judge someone else's relationship.  It's not like ours is perfect," he'd said.  I was angry at him (but really I was just embarrassed and ashamed) and attracted to him all at the same time.  I loved that he was willing to challenge me like that, to be a better person.  After a few minutes of swallowing my pride, I thanked him for his love.

Tomorrow will mark one month since the Lord called Richard home.  It's very hard to believe that he's been gone from this world for that long.  It feels as though one month has flown by and crawled along all at the same speed.

I pray for peace and comfort for his family, for his friends and for myself.  I ask that you pray for the same.