Moment by moment.

January 28, 2013

Rawr.

Tonight I cried into my cheese dip at my favorite Mexican restaurant.  I sobbed and wailed a little, trying to keep my voice down and doing my best to stifle the full blown sniffle fit that was on the verge of happening.  Tonight was a two hour dinner with one of my favorite friends.  One of my friends that I can throw anything out on the table to and she will not be shaken.  We challenge each other without disagreeing and we tear subjects apart until we are both slightly blinded by exhaustion.  Tonight was especially wonderful and sad and refreshing and tiring.

The main question that everyone wants to ask is, of course, "how are you doing?"  My newest response has been that I am literally taking each day moment by moment.  I can't even take things day by day right now as my days are roller coasters.  In some moments I have a lot of energy.  And when I have energy I want to do stuff.  And when I do stuff I feel productive.  And this is one of the feelings I thrive off of.  But then, just like that, a thought or a feeling can bog me down.  Death does weird things to people.  It causes some people to go crazy, I know.  It's hard to deal with the pain.

There have been some interesting/sketchy situations that have happened since Richard's death.  People that I don't even know calling members of my family, in an attempt to dig for information.  People feeling so entitled to know what happened that they make their own assumptions and say things that don't even make sense.  These instances have been few and far between, but they are there and sometimes it takes everything that I have not to fixate on them.  I find these things to be incredibly hurtful and disrespectful.  And all I want to do is talk to him about these things.  He would sit down with me and let me cry into his shoulder and let me tell him how frustrated I am and how this is so hard and how I don't know if I can handle it.  He would calmly tell me that it does not matter what people think or assume.  That everything is going to be okay.  He always let me talk things out with him.  He was incredibly calm with me.  We balanced out well because I can be quite a tornado of emotion sometimes.  He said he loved that about me.  He also told me that I had a calming effect on him.  I always found this to be humorous since I very rarely feel like I am a calming source.  

It was with him that, for the first time ever with a boy, I did not feel that I needed to hide my feelings - good or bad.  It was with him that I realized boyfriends and girlfriends can sit down and discuss situations without having to fight or argue!  We could just sift through our feelings until we were blue in the face and things made sense again.  Then one of us would throw our arms up in the air, positioned in the shape of an "O", and smile.  That was my thing that I started with him.  "Come get in my hoop," I would say.  I'd throw my "hoop" over his head and we would hug.

I just want him to be here right now to talk things through.  But instead I find myself basically living in the few t-shirts I have of his.  Literally only taking them off to shower.  I find myself staring at his spare toothbrush, sitting in my porcelain cup by the sink, as I brush my teeth - wondering when I will have the courage to throw it away. 

Rawr.  Miss you babe.