February 5, 2013
I'm sitting here tonight, a little sick to my stomach. It probably has a lot to do with the 15 pizza rolls and 3 doughnuts I consumed for dinner. It also has a lot to do with the fact that I have just had one of those days. One of those sad, bottom of the barrel days. I'm sad. Just so sad right now.
And I am frustrated. And as weird as this sounds, I don't really think that I have felt frustration at all throughout these 3 weeks and 4 days. I only recall feeling frustrated when I found out that Richard was diagnosed with leukemia. I remember thinking, are you kidding me? How is this fair? This guy has already been through SO much in his short 25 years. Mainly what he'd been through was a life-altering car accident when he was a senior in high school. One that they did not think he'd live through. And now this? He's the least deserving person. But then who is EVER deserving to live with disease? No one. No one is. And then he was gone so fast after the diagnosis I did not even have time to focus on my frustration anymore. Frustration QUICKLY turned to heartbreak.
But today I found myself really frustrated. Irritable and anxious. Confused and questioning. Lonely. Unmotivated. Bored. Desiring a change. When sad things happen I like for my surroundings to change. This is why I constantly rearrange my furniture. Or why I even reorganize items on my shelves. I guess it is because someone that was such a huge part of my life has suddenly been taken from me. Gone in the blink of an eye. Such a drastic change has shaken my whole world. Other things must, then, change too. How can I just go along with my bed in its normal place when so many other things have shifted around me?
This is where I need help. This is where I need prayer. I need prayer for energy and motivation. I need to dig as deep down as I can to muster up an ounce of desire to go about the day-to-day tasks. And please do not let this alarm you. I am getting out plenty, seeing many friends. It's not as if I am hermit-ing my life away in my house. I just want to look forward to the day-to-day, tedious tasks like I used to be able to.
Also do not take my dark and dreary post tonight as me being angry with God. I still believe God's plan is perfect and that He has a reason for everything. I'm just being completely honest and admitting that I am having trouble feeling it tonight. But I needed to get it all off my chest, out in the open. Freedom of thought to hand as Richard would say. He loved that term. He loved writing in that way. I miss my friend everyday. I'd be a fool to think that the hole in my heart will ever go away, but I will look forward to the days when the pain is not so deep.
"I've been told God works through your surroundings those days you may not be able to find Him inside. My struggles are lessened beside you, darling. Your beauty is an ever-growing trace of His presence in my life."
-letter from Richard Gaiser, December 12, 2012
Oh, sweet Richard.