You just want to bash your head against the wall.

April 23, 2013

Today I am spending my day recouping from a fantastic trip to NYC that I got to take with my mom, cousin and aunt.  It was perfect.  We frolicked through Central Park, ate dessert at the same cafe that Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks meet at in the movie You've Got Mail, SAW TOM HANKS IN A BROADWAY PLAY, got lost, had some intense taxi rides, took part in 92 cent cocktails at brunch while listening to a speakeasy band, took a three-hour walking tour with a precious little tour guide, stayed in an extremely interesting apartment (where the renter of said apartment had countless pictures of her and a blow-up doll framed and on the walls...but more on that later), saw Diane Sawyer, in-person, reporting live on the news about the Boston Bombers and entertained two Jesuit Catholic Priests over wine.  So, yea.  Perfect.

I finally got home last night around 9:30 and am so glad I had decided to take today off from work (so thankful for a job that provides a lot of vacation time).  People always say that you need a vacation after your vacation and that is such the truth.  I need a day to get my life back in order before I dive back into reality.

Last night, after my dad picked my mom and I up from the airport and I left their house, where my car had been parked, to drive back to my own, I had a mini breakdown.  I know what you are thinking.  WHY DID YOU HAVE A BREAKDOWN AFTER YOU GOT HOME FROM SUCH A GREAT TRIP.  Well, I will answer you.  I've realized that whenever I get the opportunity to do something fun and exciting that removes me from reality for awhile, I get on a social/emotional high.  I am able to distract myself fully. Even while constantly thinking of Richard, I am still able to remove myself from the feelings I have.  It's healthy, I think, to be able to go out and do these things and have a blast and just let it all go for awhile.  But inevitably I must come back to it.  And I want to come back to it.  I really do.  I love thinking about Richard and processing what has happened in the past 3 months.  And the moment I get 100% alone, just me, myself and I - that is when it all hits.

Not to mention that I had just finished (and by just finished, I mean JUST finished on the plane ride home) reading a fantastic book that, honestly, had more similarities to my recent situation than I'd like to admit.  The author is lucky that I love his writing and decided not to throw the book at someone's head as I faced some of these commonalities.  I am not going to give away the name of the book, just in case you have plans to read it and I don't want to ruin it for you...but anyway, when you read a book that talks a whole lot about death, the main character losing someone they love, the character losing that person that they love on January 11th (really?...really?  Seriously - what are the odds), and the mention of The University of Central Florida is there, too (where Richard went to school), you just want to bash your head against the wall.  And of course, all of these things are mentioned and unfold near the end of the book, all right there together.

This is one of those times that I kind of roll my eyes at God like...you knew this was going to happen didn't you.  Are you trying to send me into a frenzy?  If I believed in coincidences I would say, HA - what a STUPID coincidence that I had to read this book now.  But I don't believe in them.  I believe it was just a cool, little Godwink that He sent to me so that I would have more tangible evidence that I am not alone in my feelings, thoughts and emotions facing the death of a young loved one.

He takes care of everything, big and small.