February 21, 2013
"People who have recently lost someone have a certain look, recogniable maybe only to those who have seen that look on their own faces. I have noticed it on my face and I notice it now on others. The look is one of extreme vulnerability, nakedness, openness."
-The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion
As I read these lines today, out of the above book that a good friend from high school sent me (hey Josh!), I could not help but feel completely drawn to them. How true, I thought. How incredibly true. I feel as if this describes me very accurately, not so much because I walk around with a very sad look on my face (though sometimes I do), but more because I have taken to being more vulnerable and open these past few weeks, than I ever have in my entire life. And I am a very open person as it is.
It immediately make me think of a quote I've had taped to my bathroom mirror for a really long time. I, like most females, like to post motivating and encouraging sayings and quotes places that I frequently view, to keep me on A-game. The quote says:
"So that everyone can see you, and your love, and your story. So that your heart is visible to everyone, and still displays honesty, vulnerability, humanity and your need for God. And we are called to do that. We are called to be a light, to sit on a hill..." -Lauren Dubinsky
I think that this blog has been nothing but vulnerable, thus far. At least I hope so. I would rather put my heart and thoughts out on the line if it will help, even just one person deal with something they are going through. I have never been very good at keeping things inside. I can keep someone else's secret, but it is hard for me to keep my own. I have had so many experiences of divine intervention that I can't help but share and it excites me to tell you about what God has done in my life. I hope that it will help you to take a step back and look at what God has done in your life. Maybe there are some things you missed, or categorized as bad luck, when really it was the Lord protecting you from something. I get excited to share with you about Richard and the impact he had on me, just as I love to hear from other people about the impact he had on them as well.
Now what I am going to say next will probably stir up a lot of different feelings in you. Some may applaud it, some may spit at it, some may be on the fence about it and some may not even understand it.
This was God's will for Richard's life.
I know. It's a hard truth to swallow. I know some people are thinking, "why would a good God let something like this happen? Why take him so young?" And honestly, I cannot answer those questions because I do not even know myself. The things I take comfort in, though, are this very fact-- that it WAS God's will. Because there is so much freedom in that. We do not have to sit here and think, well if we had just caught it earlier or if we had just taken notice. We have to accept that there was nothing we could have done. That this was going to happen anyway. That the Lord always had this in His plan for Richard. Another comfort is to know that it was his time to go home! He was done on this Earth. How jealous am I that he gets to go home to heaven, a place of NO sorrows and NO tragedy. It just sucks for us, here, left without him.
Everything is done for God's glory. Everything. What could be glorified in this scenario? For me - my relationship with God has strengthened. Throughout my entire relationship with Richard, my need for God strengthened. For others, through this situation, through this blog, through your heartbreak in whatever you're facing - I hope you are seeing new perspectives on your life, your relationships with others and your need for God. It makes me smile to know how proud and honored Richard would have felt to know that so many people were clinging to the Lord because of his death. He would have been so humbled. He would have been humbled because it was not long ago that he realized his need for God and started hanging on to Him for dear life. That was one of the most beautiful things about him. He was such a beautiful soul.
I am so thankful that I had the chance to spend even 8 short months in his presence.