February 20, 2013
I guess a sad day was bound to happen. After two really good days, a sad day seems natural. Thankfully, though, it doesn't quite seem like one step forward and two steps back. It's more like two steps forward and one step back. That's a silver lining, I think.
I find it hard to put my feelings into words tonight. I'm just sad. I just miss him. This is the coldest turkey break up I've obviously ever had. And it is often very hard to wrap my brain around the fact that I just can't talk to him anymore. There are so many things that I think throughout the day that I want to tell him. Things that I know he would think were funny. Things that would make him proud of me. Things that would make him say, I am reminded every day why I love you (like the one time I asked him if Zaxby's could cater our future wedding reception and he said yes and I sad WHAT UP, NIBBLER SANDWICHES FOR EVERYONE). It's hard when all of that is ripped away so suddenly.
I cannot even imagine what it is like for people that have been married for many years to suddenly suffer a loss like this. Oh it makes my heart swell with pain and sorrow thinking of it. And I wonder what is easier? Death or divorce? Death or a break-up? It is really not a fair question at all, but it is there, in my head. On the one hand - I will never have to endure the pain of seeing him with another woman; and on the other - I have to endure the pain of never being able to see him again in this life. It's all so depressing, right? But let's face it - this is a very depressing time in my life. (This is not a red flag for anyone. No one needs to come show up at my doorstep. Unless you've got chocolate in your hands).
I've decided to see a counselor for the first time ever, and I would be lying if I said that I was not excited about it. And I know that counseling and therapy and those types of things are not ones we are supposed to talk about with one another, because for whatever reason our society has decided counseling and therapy are negative things - but whatever...I'm going to counseling and all y'all can know about it! I think everyone should go to counseling. Every. One. Why is it bad to sit down with someone and just talk about things in your life that might be weighing your heart down? I think it is good to talk to someone with a brand new perspective that can help you see things in a different light. No one's life is perfect. Let's all quite pretending like it is.
And on that note: while my life is certainly not perfect, there are so many wonderful things in it. The support system I have is ever-growing. Family, friends, coworkers, other Zumba instructors, my Zumba class participants, parents of the students I recruit - all of these people have continued to show out for me. Someone is constantly reaching out to me in one way or another. I can't help but feel like the Lord has placed all of these individuals in my life to form, what feels like, a really large shield around me. His shield around me. To protect me and at least help me feel safe. I feel so incredibly lucky to be blessed by so many hearts.
I really miss my warrior of a boyfriend, but in his absence so many others have stepped forward to protect me. He'd be so proud. He'd be forever thankful. He'd give each and every one of you a solid high-five and a goofy smile.
Thank you all for protecting me.