Sometimes I am such a hot mess.

March 6, 2013

There is really not a lot to say these days.  Grief comes and goes like an ocean wave; sometimes it is smooth sailing, other times it's short and choppy, and worst of all is when it comes in and knocks you down.  But my God is good and my God is strong and He will never leave me.  I remind myself of that as I ride out these waves.

All I can say tonight is that I just miss him.  There is no other way to put it.  I just miss him.  I miss his voice, his laugh, his eyes, his hands, his lips, his scars.  I miss him so much.  And I have missed him since day one, but all of the sudden, almost two months later, it has become so much more powerful.  I suppose it is because we move along further and further without him.

I laughed a little with his mom this weekend when I told her that I felt like it was my first big step out into the world without him, as up until then I have been in pretty isolated situations; not like the wedding I went to where I was caught up on so many people's recent lives.  I told her that and she said, "and yet the world keeps on like nothing happened.  Shame on the world."  And that is exactly how we feel sometimes isn't it?  It is just all a part of it. 

Last night I wrote a long entry in my prayer journal.  I prayed for all kinds of situations, several of my friends and family members and for people that I did not even know.  At the end of the entry I found myself writing, Lord, please tell Richard that I love and miss him.  And that thought made me cry.  And it's making me cry right now. 

Geez - sometimes I am such a hot mess.