I wish I would have hugged him more.

March 29, 2013

Lately I have been able to let go of a lot of the "what ifs" that have bogged me down over the last few months.  What if I had done this instead of that.  What if I had gone here instead of there.  A lot of these "what ifs" immediately surround the days leading up to Richard going into the hospital.  To be 100% honest with you, things were not great right before he went in.  We had been arguing and there was much tension involved.  In fact, frankly, I was angry with Richard when he was admitted to the hospital, for things that are unimportant to disclose in this post - growing pains in our relationship, as well as stress surrounding holidays, as well as Richard being in a lot of pain (his back had been hurting the entire month of December).  Holidays always bring tension don't they?  I'll never understand.

So, I will be honest in saying that there are some things I wish I would have done differently in those last few days right before his hospital stay.  I wish I would have hugged him more.  I wish I would have let my guard down.  I wish I would have looked at him and told him everything would be okay.  But I did not.  I was angry with him and he was angry with me.  These were natural reactions.  Natural emotions.

I know, and have known from the very beginning, that the Lord had already walked before us and had orchestrated the end of our time together perfectly.  In knowing this, I remind myself (and am often reminded by wonderful friends), that God knew how we would react to the situation at hand.  The Lord laid out this perfect plan for the end of our relationship.  He knew that we would argue, that we would fight, and that we would both stubbornly stay put on our sides of town, and in turn, not see one another the day before he went into the hospital.  And because of that, we had the opportunity to cool off, think things through, not say hurtful things to one another, to allow our emotions to level.  Had we seen one another, I honestly do not know what would have happened.  Perhaps we would have broken up or said horrible things.  I am so glad we did not.  It reminds me that, while those few days were not fun, they happened just as they should. 

I am so grateful that, even after all of that, God crept into my heart and told me to let go of my anger while Richard was in the hospital.  Nothing would be solved there so why waste the energy.  You need to be supportive.  And while it was not always an easy time, watching the man you love in pain, we got the opportunity to have two more weeks together.  Two weeks where we laughed and cried and supported one another.  I am so grateful to my God for allowing me to have that time.  For keeping me with him until the very, very end.

It is so important for us to realize, remember and respect the fact that the Lord knows exactly what is going to happen and how we will react.  How vital to our souls is it to try our best to not beat ourselves up or dwell on regrets, for things happened just as they were meant to.  We will always have moments of "wish I would of done this differently," or "wish I had never said that," but let us not forget that we are simply human.  Human beings with flaws and sins too many to mention.  We must forgive ourselves for these things, just as the One that came to save us all has forgiven us.

Have a wonderful Easter, friends.