I am terrified that I am going to forget him.

February 15, 2013

I've cried a lot today.  And it's a little weird because I feel like I woke up on the right side of the bed, ready to face the day, still feeling loved from my wonderful Valentine's Day.  Yet, I still cried a lot today.  And at very unexpected times.  I did not go into these instances thinking, oh I am feeling emotional, I will probably boo-hoo while talking about it.  But it happened that way.  And I'm not confused or questioning why it happened or mad at myself for crying in a few different public places, but I am just stating that I did, indeed, shed many tears today.

The emotions do often come at times when I'm not prepared.  Luckily I am just okay with embracing them.  However, I do typically try to warn my friends what is about to happen.  I am probably about to cry, is always code for, hold on to your horses, my face is about to pinch up into an ugly position and is about to turn very red.  I just want people to know what they're about to face.

Richard left us 5 weeks ago.  I look at this in two ways: It's only been 5 weeks...and...It's ONLY been 5 weeks?  What scares me is that I already feel myself panicking a little as I feel him slipping away from me.  I am terrified that I am going to forget him.  As time crawls by, all of the tiny details become harder to capture.  I am already unobservant as it is, so I feel like I am at an unfair disadvantage.  Will I always remember the true color of his eyes, and the way they popped when he wore that hunter green shirt?  Will I always remember the scar that ran, in a straight line, from his collar bone all the way down his chest and abdomen - a result from surgeries due to his car accident?  Will I always remember his really fat toes and the way they all kind of curled in on one another?  Will I always remember the fact that he was so freckly that he even had a few on his lips?

Of course I will always remember these things, but I think I am scared they are going to lose the visual detail in my mind.  That terrifies me.  I don't want to lose those things.  I don't want to lose him more than I already have.  It is a hard reality to face.

I am forever grateful for pictures and the fact that I felt the need to stick a camera in his face a lot.  Grateful to always have those captured memories.  Grateful to have a friend send me a few more pictures tonight, unseen by my eyes.  Grateful for those voicemails and videos I've mentioned before.  Grateful that although he is no longer breathing, he's still alive in my memories and heart.  I may just have to work hard to keep him as alive as I want him to be.  Grateful I am up for that challenge.

God is good, friends.  He was good when He brought Richard into my life and He was still good the day he took Richard out of it.  He is always ahead of us and is always preparing our hearts for what will happen next, for they are His plans.  Sometimes it hurts like hell and it is hard to understand, but we must keep telling ourselves that He is good. 

Otherwise, we may just forget everything.