I am not trying to depress anyone.

April 29, 2013

I am currently stuffing my face with trail mix, feeling completely drained from the breakdown I just had.  The second big breakdown in the last 4 days.  Crying for an hour straight makes you hungry.

I am hesitant to write all of this out for some reason.  For some reason I am not wanting to show everyone the ugly tonight, which makes no sense because I've done it plenty of times before since Richard died.  But if I am to be honest with myself, and with all you beautiful people that have so graciously taken this journey with me, I need to admit the ugly.

I feel like this whole grief thing is just getting worse.  Lately I have been finding myself a lot sadder more frequently.  Maybe because the further out we get, the most I miss him because more time continues to pass.  I feel like I am boring people by talking about it.  I feel tired of talking about it, but it's all I want to talk about.  When I told my mom that tonight she gently said, "you may be talking about it a lot because you want to keep it alive."  We both agreed I can't continue to keep him and our relationship alive.  But when will that desire to constantly talk about it fade away? 

I have been facing a lot of anxiety, also.  Being anxious is not a normal characteristic for me.  And in recognizing this anxiety and remembering that this not normal behavior, I find myself becoming frustrated that is even occurring.  So now I am facing new insecurities, on top of the others that already existed in my life. 

To put a long story short...I'm just kind of feeling like a big ol' mess. 

Not to mention I am simply missing my friend.  I miss that person that, no may not have understood me all the time, or may not have known what I was trying to say or what I was feeling 100% of the time, but that person that wanted to understand me and tried so hard to relate to what I was feeling.  And then as I get sad and start to cry I think about all of his other friends that miss him.  And then, of course, I think of how his family is feeling also.  If I can miss this boy that I knew for 8 months, so much, I can't imagine what it is like for others that knew him longer; for his family.  It's kind of an emotional suicide, if you will.

Anyway, I will wrap this up.  I am not trying to depress anyone or make anyone take pity on me.  I am just trying to keep my heart on display and show that even though this deep sadness has hit it, I know that my God is with me and He will never forsake me.  I am trying to be honest in my grieving process and to be open about it.  If I didn't share my sadness with you all, this would be fake grief. 

The Lord blessed me with the desire to be an open book, and I will try my best to use that desire and ability for His glory.  For the strength and peace that I have found through this traumatic situation have not come from myself, but from my God only.  I know He sits beside me as I weep, and He will comfort me.  I can do nothing without him.  I certainly try to, but He sits and waits patiently for me to return to Him.