November 6, 2013
Grieving sucks for a person that likes to plan. I'd like to know when exactly my crazy bouts of tears will stop and when I can expect to feel a little more at ease. Can't someone just give me a date? Or a deadline. I'm great with deadlines.
So far this journey has looked a lot like a roller coaster. A straight dip down was the beginning; the middle was a bumpy with a lot of small, but manageable dips and turns; and now we're at the end of the ride and just as you think you're home free of crazy drops, you head straight downhill again. I'm coming into the last leg of the first year grieving process, and I know that nothing will happen on January 12th, that I won't be magically cured of all sadness and nostalgia. But I do feel like there will be a weight lifted off of me. As a friend told me tonight, "you'll have lived through it." How true. I won't be constantly comparing this year to last year, won't be reminiscing on what I was doing this time last November, or this time last Thanksgiving.
And let's face it: the Holidays typically suck. As excited as we get for Thanksgiving and Christmas and this season that is among us, more typically than not, is there extreme amounts of drama and craziness. So that doesn't help anything. Oh and remember that time I thought that I was ready to date? Yea. I'm not. So, there's that. God has been protecting my heart from that for awhile but I was finally smacked in the face with a reality check as I was in the middle of a catastrophic meltdown about boys last week. Oh, God - why are you always right? Grateful for that.
I'm focusing on what's ahead, definitely. Right now, I'm focusing on family and friends and work and writing and mentoring and being mentored and trying not to cry every single day until January 11 and realizing that if I do cry every single day until January 11 that it's perfectly fine. Trying not to be so hard on myself and trying not to put a deadline on everything.
That's where I am right now. I'm sure next week will feel completely different.
I'm starting to resent roller coasters.