I've been a hot mess. (Continued)

May 5, 2013

Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.

- Hebrews 2:14-15

I sat down with my counselor last week, eager for my session because I've been on an emotional rollercoaster the past few weeks.  I've been happy and distracted one moment and literally crying the next.  It has been confusing and frustrating, to be honest.  But as I sat down she started with, so you're about in your fourth month since Richard died, right?  Yes, I said, we are coming up on the four month mark.  She told me that, according to research, the fourth month can be one of the most difficult after a traumatic event.  WELL, I believe you.  I've been a hot mess lately.

I was pretty glad to hear those words come out of her mouth, simply because I've been kind of confused by my emotions as of late.  I feel like right after Richard died, while I was, of course, heartbroken, I was still very grateful for all that I had.  For my time with him, for the lessons I learned from him, for the opportunity to be with him until the end, plus many more.  I was frantically searching for the positives of this situation because that is the person that I am.  A silver linings kind of gal.  That was also the kind of person that Richard had turned in to.  I was grasping at every single thing I could grip.

Now, as more and more time passes, I've found myself crying at the most random of moments.  I've felt the sadness press down on me to the point where it is hard to take a breath.  Like I said...it's been confusing and frustrating.  But, now, thinking about what my counselor said, it makes so much sense that the fourth month can be one of the hardest.  It is the time when reality sets in.  The shock, any denial that is there, they have all worn away.  I keep describing it as the time that all the dust has finally settled.  The dust has finally settled from the traumatic explosion of suddenly losing my boyfriend and best friend.  I can see clearly now how things have utterly changed around me.  It's a pretty harsh reality.

But I am still grateful.

Today, as I sat in church, a new church that I've been attending, and one that I've fallen in love with because I immediately felt comfortable the moment I walked in, I wept as I prayed.  I started to thank the Lord for all that He has given me, and for the countless blessings I have.  I thanked Him for my sweet, amazing friend, Ashley, that was sitting next to me.  I thanked Him for the support system He has bestowed upon me.  I thanked Him for opening my eyes so that I could have the relationship I have with Him now, one that I have never had before.  And then I thanked Him for my time with Richard and for introducing him into my life.  Richard has a lot to do with my current relationship with God.  I wish I could tell him all about it.  I still feel so grateful.

So as we enter into our fourth month, I pray for nothing but healthy grief.  I pray that we will all continue to grieve this loss properly.  I pray that I will cut myself a little bit of slack for my breakdowns because of the severity of this traumatic event.  But I pray to always, always be grateful for all of the things God has blessed me with that I do not deserve.  His grace and mercy I hope to never take for granted.  One day, as more time passes, I will be interested to sit down and read this blog from start to finish.  I think it will be intriguing to see the rhythm of this process, the ups and downs, the goods and bads. 

But no matter how sad I am in one moment and how happy I am in the other, I hope that I always seem grateful.