"...it was my boyfriend's. He died in January."

July 1, 2013

My sweet and fantastic friend, Heather (hey friend!), encouraged me today to write a blog post.  "Girl, tell us how you're healing," she said. 

I realize I've been pretty MIA in the last few months.  Relay for Life came and went and I kind of fell off the face of the blogosphere (is that even a word?).  But it's mainly because I've been really focusing on healing.  Processing and rolling through life one miracle at a time.

It has been very rewarding to see how God continues to grow me and my faith during this time.  He's changed me, and certainly continues to change me, continually.  The main thing I've noticed is that my perspective has changed.  Overall perspective.  Things are not so black and white anymore.  I attempt (attempt) to not be so quick to judge these days, and instead try to assess a person or situation for what might really be going on.  Maybe there is something deeper there that cannot be seen at first sight.

I find myself sitting back and observing a lot more than I once did.  I have never, ever been a quiet person.  My grandmother nicknamed me "motor mouth" when I was a child for crying out loud.  I've always enjoyed attention and making people laugh and just being around others in general.  I still enjoy these things, but I am much more content to sit back and listen and take things in.  It's a nice feeling, really - not feeling the need to be in the middle of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

I no longer feel the need to blurt out to every stranger that my boyfriend died at the beginning of this year.  This I am probably happiest about.  I used to find any and every excuse to talk about it.  To tell someone, "Oh, you like the shirt I am wearing?  It was my boyfriend's.  He died in January."  You can imagine how shocking this is for people to hear.  For a STRANGER to hear.  Sometimes I am so awkward.

I am finding myself ready to be pursued again.  Ready for another shot at the sincere and genuine love that I was shown by Richard.  Ready for another man to think I'm the bees' knees.  I think some people wonder if it's too soon for me to jump back out there again.  And I tell them that I don't think it is.  Richard showed me a glimpse of what sweet love can look like and I just want more of it.  I think it's completely normal.

But most importantly - my faith continues to grow.  Please don't hear me say that I have been a perfect servant of the Lord and have loved every plan he's made clear to me.  I've gotten upset a few times at him.  Not understanding what he was doing with friends, living situations, possible opportunities, etc.  WHY NOT GOD?  SEEMS PERFECT TO ME.  I've thought that a lot.  But even throughout these thoughts of anger and sadness, I know in the back of my mind and deep down in my heart that the Lord is protecting me from something that I cannot see. 

I've recently started an online book study with a few friends.  We are reading the book Anything, by Jennie Allen.  A beautiful and accurate quote from it, that completely enraptures me: No matter the suffering she would have in this life, she was praising God for a chance to participate in eternity.

Perfect.

Grieving, healing and growing daily in my God.  Love to you all.