i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

January 11, 2014

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)


i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart


i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-ee Cummings

70 blog posts and 365 days later and I am not sure there are many words left to write.  I believe {hope} that I have squeezed and wrung out every ounce of Richard's soul that I possibly could.  Today I have spent time sitting, reflecting and re-reading every piece of encouragement I have received over this year.  I have read, re-read and practically memorized the words that Rich wrote me, hoping to truly soak up the genuine way he loved and cared about me so that it will not be forgotten.  

I began writing this blog, back in January, for several reasons:

To cope.

To openly talk about my grieving process in hopes that people will realize that maybe what they are personally going through isn't so crazy after all.

To share what God has taught me as He has worked through my heart during this traumatic season.

To spread hope.

To give a place to list out all of the lessons I have learned, all of the lessons God has unfolded before me.

To let the world know about a great man that captured my heart and soul; to show people who he had become at the end of his short life.

For God to use me as a device to show the world that it is okay to be broken and it is okay to talk about it and it is okay to admit it and work through it.

For others to understand that it is okay to be sad, to grieve, to not understand what God is doing; but it is important to try your best to continue to trust.

I hope, with my entire heart, that I was able to express these things.  I hope I shared enough about His grace in my life that others could locate the grace in their own lives if they had not already.  I hope that the world (this small world of blog readers) understood what can happen when God turns an incredibly difficult situation into something beautiful and that it is only by HIS doing that this can be achieved. 

So, in true dramatic and deadline-oriented fashion, I've decided that this blog post will be an ending of sorts.  This year will be something that I will carry in my heart for the rest of my life.  The year of firsts has been incredibly difficult, but incredibly rewarding.  And as much as I would love to write about Richard every day for the rest of my life, I know it's time to move forward, to let go (with the exception of continuing to write our story down.)  I am unsure if I will continue writing at this blog address or if I will create a new one.  I love times of newness.  Times to create a fresh space, a clean place to continue life.  Regardless, I will continue to write as it has now become a part of my character, something I do not want to see go.  And I have sweet Richard to thank for that.  Among the many other things he did for me, he continued to provide for me after his death; providing a way to heal and survive, from the inspiration of his own written word.

Thank you to you that have continued to read these ramblings month after month, no matter how sad they were - how sappy, depressing, confusing and repetitive the words may have been.  It's been the encouragement and support of friends, and strangers alike, that have helped get me to this place today.  Had you lovely people not sent me e-mails, letters, notes, facebook messages, tweets, left comments, read these words, etc - I would have stopped writing a long time ago.  So if I have, at all, helped one person, know that you all took part in that as well.  You have made an impact on more people than you can imagine.  Please know how appreciated you all are.

It is time to move forward to a new chapter, never forgetting the lessons picked up along the way, carrying sweet Richard's love in my heart as life continues on.  Life will never be the same again and I am eternally grateful. 

Love you sweet Rich.  Forever grateful for the impact you made on my life and for the legacy you left behind.  Missing you always.