Dark corners: exposed.

November 11, 2014

When you begin taking steps to correct a large issue in your life, things come to the forefront that you may not have been expecting to see.  Feelings, emotions, insecurities, epiphanies.  One by one layers are peeled back to expose thoughts you didn't even know you had.  Self-awareness creeps in and rocks your world a little bit.  But it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Since beginning this journey, I've had the opportunity to really sit down and look at myself and my habits.  To really take a long look in every dark corner to see if the root of the problem could be confirmed.  What happens when we do this?  Eventually we begin to see and to hear the truths of our life.  These truths then bring forth light that we can use to shine into those dark corners so that we can better see to begin the clean up.

When I really look into the corners of my {over} spending habits, I find more than just the desire to fulfill a want of more material things.  I find the desire of wanting to be included, of not wanting to be left out.  By nature I am an "includer."  I want everyone to be in on the fun.  I want everyone to know that they're invited any time, all the time!  I want everyone to come have a blast, and hey, if you're not having a blast, I may or may not take that personally because I don't want you to be bored! 

Obviously, since I'm an includer, I want to, in turn, be included.  I want to go on every trip.  I want to go to every concert.  I want to go to every wedding, every party, every event.  I wanted to be included.  I want to have the opportunity to experience it all. 

But guess what?  It's freakishly difficult to go on every trip, attend every wedding, go to every concert when you don't have the money to support.  BUT WAIT - I HAVE TO GO!  I mean - I can't miss out, right?  I'll just die if I have to live this experience through my friends' Instagram accounts instead of firsthand!   So I would find ways to go.  I'd put things on credit cards that shouldn't be on credit cards.  I'd take paychecks from teaching Zumba or BodyPump and use them for gas instead of saving.  I'd do whatever it takes to make the experience happen.  It didn't matter that the entire time I was going through the experience that I might be obsessing over how I was going to pay for it all.  At least I was experiencing.

Thank the holy heavens, things have changed.  One of the very first things I had to do after beginning this class was cancel a pretty spectacular trip to New Orleans.  I think I told you about this trip already, but as a refresher, it was a trip to celebrate a best friend's upcoming wedding, a trip to see a music legend in concert with another best friend and a trip to see a college friend I had not seen in quite some time.  It was hard.  But looking back, and even in the moment, it was the best thing I could have been advised (by Loni, duh) to do.  There was no way I could have afforded the trip.  No money saved up and maxed out credit cards will only get you so far, you know what I'm saying? 

But it's a new day and a new life and new trips will come along and I didn't die when I had to live through Instagram and Facebook and the new freedom I'm feeling makes it all worth it. 

And I am grateful for the journey.  Dark corners and all.