If only we had known what this would turn into.

March 3, 2014

I'm really good at staying busy.  Possibly too good at it.  Lately, I've been busy.  Busy moving forward, busy making plans, busy living life to the absolute fullest that I can manage.  It doesn't mean I don't think about him anymore.  It doesn't mean that I don't miss him or bring his name up in weekly conversations.  It doesn't mean that I don't check out his facebook page often.

The truth is that I will never stop talking about him.  He's so embedded in my life, my soul that it is impossible to leave him out.  Not just because we dated.  Not just because I loved him more than I knew how to.  Not just because he adored me.  But because it was through trials with him that I realized, more than any other time in my life, how much I need God.  If this beautiful mess of a boy had not been brought into my life I would still be wandering around thinking that I could continue to live life like I was in complete control, like I had everything figured out.  It is because of him and the struggles we faced together that I understood what it was to need Jesus and nothing else.  We had the most beautifully orchestrated disaster of a relationship.  Always waiting for things to get better, to catch a break, to just have the opportunity to be in one another's presence with no stress involved.

If only I had known what the Lord had in store for us.  If only we had known what this would turn into.

Often we hear Romans 5 quoted when people are going through trials and sufferings, smiling and nodding and acknowledging that, yes, those are good verses to lean on when you're sad.  But after you've been through the actual trial, the suffering and have come out on the other side, that's when you truly understand and appreciate what scripture tells us.  It has never felt truer to me than it does now.

Praying for those that are grieving the loss of a loved one.  It is not an easy battle to fight.

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:2-5